1.几则英语小笑话和一些英文谚语

1. VirtueMany years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."美 德获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。

一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。

最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”

2. Difference"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."区 别“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。

研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”3.Too LongThe travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier. She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct. "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed, "that you're still alive. Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long."太久一家报纸的旅行版编辑打开电话，说她终于决定要采用一篇我几年前写的文章。

她想确定那旅游信息是否还可靠。“我还想确定，”她怯怯地坦白道：“您是否还健在。

每次发现作者已经不在人世了，我才知道我将文章压得太久了。”4.Charge for Bread and ButterSome years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."The $1.50 was returned without delay.面包和黄油费几年前，我当律师的爸爸带我去纽约的一家高档餐馆。

帐单上来时，上面有1.5美元的面包和黄油费。爸爸付了帐，连同面包和黄油的收费一齐付了。

但是第二天，他给餐馆寄了一封信，说那项收费是没有道理的。随信还寄上了一张500美元的法律服务机构的收费单。

餐馆马上打来电话，问道：“这500美元的收费单是怎么回事？我们从来没有要什么法律机构的服务。”爸爸答道，“我也从来没有要什么面包和黄油。”

那1.5美元立即就寄了回来。5. Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.""That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday？"安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。

他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。

他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”“好啊！”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”英文谚语大全/Article/ShowArticle.asp?ArticleID=275Each bird loves to hear himself sing. 鸟儿都爱听自己唱歌。

Each day brings its own bread. 天无绝人之路。Each man is the architect of his own fate. 命运掌握在自己手中。

Eagles catch no flies. 大人物不计较小事情。Eagles fly alone, but sheep flock together. 鹰单飞，羊群集。

Early mistakes are the seeds of future trouble. 早期的错误可以酿成日后的麻烦。Early sow, early mow. 播种早的收获早。

Early start makes easy stages. 早开始是成功的保证。Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy and wise. 早睡早起，令人健康、富有而且聪明。

Early wed, early dead. 早婚早夭。Easier said than done. 说话容易做事难。

East or west, home is best. 在家千日好，出门时时难。Easy come, easy go. 易得易失。

Eat at pleasure, drink with measure. 随意吃饭，。

2.麻烦好友们给我找一篇好幽默,英文的,大约60—100个单词

I'm Glad

A teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making

others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you

ever made someone else glad?"

"Teacher,"said a small boy,"I made someone glad yesterday."

"Well done. Who was that?"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

" I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three

hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she

said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"

我很高兴

一个老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”

“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

“做得好，是谁呢？”

“我奶奶。”

“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”

“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！’”

Every dog has its day.

指富贵无常，凡人皆有得意的时候。

（一个潦倒的人，以前也可能风光过，做人要厚道，不能看低别人。）

活学活用：

— love me, love my dog. 爱屋及乌（打狗就是欺主了）

— Don't wake a sleeping dog. 切莫打草惊蛇，不要生事。

— walk the dog everyday. 每日带狗散步。

— dog leash 狗链； dog collar 狗项圈

A good conscience is a soft pillow.

不做亏心事，不怕鬼叫门。

活学活用：

conscience

A clear conscience laughs at false accusation.

[谚] 只要问心无愧， 旁人的指责可一笑置之。

A clear conscience is a sure card.

[谚] 只要问心无愧， 旁人的指责可一笑置之。

A good conscience is a constant feast.

[谚] 问心无愧， 高枕无忧。

A good conscience is a soft pillow.

[谚] 问心无愧， 高枕无忧。

A guilty conscience is a self -accuser.

[谚]做贼心虚。

A guilty conscience needs no accuser.

[谚]做贼心虚。

A quiet conscience sleeps in thunder.

[谚]没做亏心事， 不怕鬼叫门。

3.非常简短的英语幽默故事带翻译

The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

4.求英语谚语格言10条笑话5个

1. Waste not,want not. 俭以防匮。

2. From saving comes having. 富有来自节俭。 3. A penny saved is a penny gained. 省一文是一文。

4. Take care of the pence and the pound will take care of themselves. 金钱积少便成多。 5. Frugality is an estate alone. 节俭本身就是一宗财产。

6. He that regards not a penny,will lavish a pound. 小钱不知节省，大钱将滥花。 7. Small gains bring great wealth. 积小利，成巨富。

8. Many a little makes a mickle. 积少便成多。 9. As the touchstone tries gold,so gold tries man. 试金之石可试金，正如黄金能试人。

10. Courage and resolution are the spirit and soul of virtue. 勇敢和坚决是美德的灵魂。 11. The path to glory is always rugged. 光荣之路常坎坷。

12. Nothing is difficult to the man who will try. 世上无难事，只要人肯试。 13. The fire is the test of gold;adversity of strong man. 烈火试真金，困苦炼壮士。

14. Great hopes make great man. 远大的希望造就伟大的人物。 15. No way is impossible to courage. 勇士面前无险路。

16. A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. 平静的大海决不能造就出熟练的水手。 17. The good seaman is known in bad weather. 坏天气下才能识得出良好的海员；要识好海员，须凭坏天气。

18. The best hearts are always the bravest. 行为最勇敢的人心地总是最善良。 19. We must not lie down,and cry,God help us. 求神不如求己。

20. He that falls today may be up again tomorrow. 今天跌倒的人也许明天就会站起。 21. Rome was not built in a day. 罗马并非一日可建成；坚持必成。

22. Success belongs to the persevering. 胜利属于坚忍不拔的人。 23. We must repeat a thousand and one times thatperseverance is the only road to success. 我们要多次重申：不屈不挠是取得胜利的唯一道路。

24. Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth. 十九次失败，到第二十次获得成功，这就叫坚持。 25. Step by step the ladder is ascended. 登梯需要逐级登。

26. Adversity leads to prosperity. 困苦通向昌盛。 27. Patience and application will carry us through. 忍耐和专心会使我们度过难关。

28. Fortune often rewards with interest those that have patience to wait for her. 做事只要有耐心，到头总会有好运；耐心候好运，好运常会来。 29. All things will come round to him who will but wait. 只要肯等待，一切都会按时来。

30. Constant dropping wears the stone. 滴水不绝可穿石。 31. Omelets are not made without breaking of eggs. 鸡蛋不打破，蛋卷做不成；不甘愿吃苦，则预期效果达不到。

32. The world is a ladder for some to go up and others to go down. 世界好似一把梯，有人上去有人下。 33. There needs a long apprenticeship to understand the mystery of the world's trade. 要知世事奥秘多，须要长期作学徒。

1）找一个朋友，让他先说10遍“老鼠”，然后再说10遍“鼠老”，待他说完“老鼠，老鼠，老鼠，鼠老，鼠老，鼠老”之后，立即问他“猫最怕什么”，几乎可以保证他会答“老鼠”. （2）还有请人朗读古诗“暗湿竹，暗湿绿，暗湿透春竹，暗湿透春绿”，“卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤痕低”之类. （3） 你问他：“一个三点水加一个来是什么？” 他想了一想说：“不确定，涞（LAI）？” 你再问：“一个三点水加一个去呢？” 他80%会说：“。什么字？有这个字吗？去？” 其实应该是“法”。

（4） 伸出1个手指，问别人“这是几” 再次伸出2个手指，问别人“这是几” 再次伸出3个手指，问别人“1+1是几”10人里最多1人答对 （5） 甲：给你讲个故事，从前有个傻子，别人问他什么他都说“没有”，比如问他你吃 饭了吗？他说“没有”，你叫什么？他说“没有”。

唉，对了，你听过这个故事么？乙：没有。

5.想求一些经典的英文格言或幽默短句（要押韵的）

where there is a will, there is a way. 有志者事竟成

love me,love my dog.爱屋及乌

knowledge is power.知识就是力量

I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish,

but if you wish the witch wishes,

I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

6.英语文章,笑话,谚语

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问："主啊， 一百万美元对你意味着多少？"上帝回答："一便士."男子又问："那一百万年呢？"上帝说："一秒钟."最后男子请求道："上帝，我能得到一便士吗？"上帝回答："过一秒钟."

once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

Cat and Mice

Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.

" What's in your box?" asked the friend.

"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."

"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.

"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist:What's your problem?

Patient:I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on?

Patient:Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？

病人：我认为我是一只鸡。

精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？

病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。

很难收到的，选我噻