求大牛雅思小作文批改！ 题目是剑5 TEXT 1 的小作文,帮忙改下错,

The graph describes the portion of the population above aged 65 between 1940 and 2040 in the three countries---USA,Sweden and Japan. As shown in the graph, it is expected to have increments in the rate of old people .

In 1940,the proportion of population above age 65 remained extremely low, as the figure of these countries stood at 9%(in USA),8%(in Sweden) and only 5%(in Japan). However by the end of the 1980 ,the number of old people in USA and Sweden had dramatically grown ,arriving at 15% and 14% respectively; by contrast, it had indicated a slight decrease in Japan ,then reminded approximate 3% in the corresponding period .Subsequently, fluctuation showed ,but had been predicted that the rate of the elder was going to descend around 10% in both USA and sweden.

After 1980, the number of Japanese old people had been consistently toward an upward trend .The portion of population above age 65 in Japan will overtake it of Sweden and USA in(around?) 2030. Clearly,the circumstances of USA,Sweden and Japen will reach the similar point.

哪位大牛帮我批改下雅思 大概多少分 ,剑5 text4 的小作文 谢谢 本人高

你这篇应该是6分。

开头第一段，不要特地把line chart,bar chart写出来。显得有点啰嗦，而且我们主要看你是否能把图表信息描述清楚，至于是啥图，并不关心。第二句话，很有问题。我想这应该用the most popular travel destinations 而不是famous。。

第二段： 不要老用visitors，换成tourists或者travelers都行。both arrived at around 10 millions respectively. 这里，怎么既用both又用respectively，那么到底是都还是分别呢？ a sharp growth UK visitors visited 5 most popular states were。。。 缺少the，改成the 5 most popular nations among UK tourists 要好点

最后一点，对你的内容选择上有点建议。既然给你2个可以比较的信息，你就得比较它们一下。用一些词比如 几倍多，更多等等。用的词有点简单了。语法没有太大的错误，基本过关。从句的量可以再多一点。所使用的逻辑衔接词，都挺不错。但是，在描述时间轴上的信息时，缺乏衔接。描述得也略微简单了点。总的来说，6分是一个比较合理的分。