1.求一篇5分钟左右 有趣的英语演讲稿

幽默演讲——调侃自己（中英对照） 演讲者如何调侃自己作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。

As a speaker, I've only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can't fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can't stay awake.创新句子：你们或者睡觉，或者不睡，只要不打呼噜，我就接着讲。作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。

当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program committee.幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。

演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡。Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。

过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。

I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I'm standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes.幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。

我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can't tell you how much I admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。

创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我。我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。

Let me put this into plain English. I'll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。

If you've already heard this story, please don't stop me because it's the only one I know.幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。

演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You're satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。

演讲开始时我们有一些共同点，你们不知道我要讲什么——我也不知道。At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don't know what I'm going to say --- and neither do I.幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。

创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么。开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。

Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。

第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。As some of you may know, I'm appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who's intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。

创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？有人有舞台恐惧症，我没有；舞台不会怎么样我，是观众快把我吓死了！Some people suffer from stage fright. I don't. The stage doesn't bother me at all. It's the audience that scares the hell out of me！幽默注释：stage fright舞台恐。

2.求一篇英语幽默演讲稿,中英文互译的,5分钟左右

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

An Alarm Clock

A young man went to a mountain village for his holiday. One night he stayed at a small hotel near a train station.

Before going to bed, he went to the owner of the hotel and said to the old man, “ Excuse me, sir. Will you please wake me up at a quarter to five? I'm going to take the five o'clock train tomorrow morning. ”

“ Oh, sorry, ” the owner said, “ I am afraid I can't. I don't get up that early. ”

The young man started to go back to his room when he stopped and asked, “ Do you have an alarm clock? That would help me. ”

“ Yes, here it is, young man. ”

The young man took the clock happily and thanked the old man. But when he looked at it carefully, there appeared to be something wrong with it.

“ Does it ring on time? ” he asked the old man.

“ Sure! Just shake it when it's time to get up, and it'll ring. ”

一只闹钟

一个年轻人到一个山村去度假。那天夜里，他住宿在火车站附近的一个旅馆里。

上床睡之前，他对旅馆老板——一个老头儿说：“对不起，先生，请问您能在五点差一刻叫醒我吗？我明天早晨要乘五点的火车。”

“哦，很抱歉”，旅馆老板说，“恐怕不行，我不可能起那么早。”

年轻人正想回到房间去，又停住了问：“那你有闹钟吗？或许它能帮助我。”

“我有，给你，年轻人。”

年轻人很高兴地拿了闹钟，谢了老头儿。但当他仔细查看了闹钟后，发现似乎有毛病。

“它能准时闹吗？”他问老头儿。

“那当然！时间一到，你摇一摇，他就会响的。”

3.英语幽默故事演讲稿 要五分钟

Mr. Hi-Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers。like a telephone。 on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says, "Yeah? Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.

The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm fine。I'm just waiting for a fax."

4.5分钟的英语演讲稿

我改写了这篇”珍惜每一分”不知你是否喜欢？ Good morning, everybody! In this world, there is one thing that is very fair to everybody, whether you are a male or female, young or old, rich or poor. Does anybody know what it is called? Right. It is time. The topic I am going to present to you today is called “ Treasure Every Minute”. The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!! The clock is running. Make the most of today. Good luck, everybody! /inspirational_stories.htm#TIME。

5.英语5分钟演讲稿

Dear teacher and classmates:

I am very glad to make a speech here in this class again! This time, I/'d like to talk something about English.

I love English. English language is now used everywhere in the world. It has become the most common language on Internet and for international trade. Learning English makes me confident and brings me great pleasure.

When I was seven, my mother sent me to an English school. At there, I played games and sang English songs with other children . Then I discovered the beauty of the language, and began my colorful dream in the English world.

Everyday, I read English following the tapes. Sometimes, I watch English cartoons.

On the weekend, I often go to the English corner. By talking with different people there, I have made more and more friends as well as improved my oral English.

I hope I can travel around the world someday. I want to go to America to visit Washington Monument, because the president Washington is my idol. Of course, I want to go to London too, because England is where English language developed. If I can ride my bike in Cambridge university, I will be very happy.

I hope I can speak English with everyone in the world. I/'ll introduce China to them, such as the Great Wall, the Forbidden City and Anshan.

I know, Rome was not built in a day. I believe that after continuous hard study, one day I can speak English very well.

If you want to be loved, you should learn to love and be lovable. So I believe as I love English everyday , it will love me too.

6.求中学生英语幽默演讲稿,大约5分钟

An Alarm Clock A young man went to a mountain village for his holiday. One night he stayed at a small hotel near a train station. Before going to bed, he went to the owner of the hotel and said to the old man, “ Excuse me, sir. Will you please wake me up at a quarter to five? I'm going to take the five o'clock train tomorrow morning. ” “ Oh, sorry, ” the owner said, “ I am afraid I can't. I don't get up that early. ” The young man started to go back to his room when he stopped and asked, “ Do you have an alarm clock? That would help me. ” “ Yes, here it is, young man. ” The young man took the clock happily and thanked the old man. But when he looked at it carefully, there appeared to be something wrong with it. “ Does it ring on time? ” he asked the old man. “ Sure! Just shake it when it's time to get up, and it'll ring. ” 一只闹钟 一个年轻人到一个山村去度假。

那天夜里，他住宿在火车站附近的一个旅馆里。 上床睡之前，他对旅馆老板——一个老头儿说：“对不起，先生，请问您能在五点差一刻叫醒我吗？我明天早晨要乘五点的火车。”

“哦，很抱歉”，旅馆老板说，“恐怕不行，我不可能起那么早。” 年轻人正想回到房间去，又停住了问：“那你有闹钟吗？或许它能帮助我。”

“我有，给你，年轻人。” 年轻人很高兴地拿了闹钟，谢了老头儿。

但当他仔细查看了闹钟后，发现似乎有毛病。 “它能准时闹吗？”他问老头儿。

“那当然！时间一到，你摇一摇，他就会响的。”。

7.急求一篇关于幽默的或者故事的英语演讲稿,5分钟左右的

Time The hours of a wise man are lengthened by his ideas as those of a fool are by his passions. The time of the one is long, because he does not know what to do with it; as is that of the other, because he distinguishes every moment of it with useful or amusing thoughts, or in other words, because the one is always wishing it away, and the other always enjoying it. How different is the view of past life, in the man who is grown old in knowledge and wisdom, from that of him who is grown in ignorance and folly? The latter is like the owner of a barren country, that fills his eye with the [1] prospect of naked hills and plains, which produce nothing either profitable or [2] ornamental; the other [3] beholds a beautiful and spacious landscape, divided into delightful gardens, green meadows, fruitful fields, and can scarce [4] cast his eye upon a single spot of his possessions, that is not covered with some beautiful plant or flower. lengthen // v. 延长 passion // n. 热情amusing // adj. 有趣的 wisdom // n. 智慧ignorance // n. 无知 folly // n. 蠢事barren // n. 贫瘠 ornamental // adj. 装饰的behold // v. 看见，注视 meadow // n. 草地参考译文 光阴 聪明人的时辰得以延长在于他们的思想，而蠢人的时辰得以延长在于他们的激情。

蠢人的光阴是漫长的，因为他不知如何打发时光；聪明人的光阴也是漫长的，因为他用有益或有趣的想法来突出每寸光阴，或者换而言之，因为蠢人总是希望消磨时光，而聪明人总是在享受时光。 聪明人在知识和智慧中年龄渐长，蠢人在无知和愚蠢中年龄渐长，二者对于过去生活的看法有何差异？后者犹如拥有一片不毛之地，满目是光秃秃的丘陵平原，长不出任何有价值的或是美好的东西；前者则看到一派美丽广阔的田野，目光投向任何一处，拥有的一切处处总有美丽的芳草或鲜花，所以可谓美不胜收。

8.一篇5分钟有意义的英文演讲稿

Teamwork is very important

（团队合作，无坚不摧）

I am not fond of basketball,let alone to play it.But I have seen a wonderful basketball game between my class and postgraduate class.It is so wonderful that I cann't help asking myself "is it real".The answer is pretty yes.I also learn a lot from the game.

First ,teamwork is very important.You are sure to fail if you play by yourself.So five members must play together and well orgnized.

Second ,you should have a aim.In order to reach it,you should try your best.

Last,never give up whatever have happened.Even if you get low scores,you shouldn't give up.If there is a will,there is a way.If there is a will ,there is also a opportunity.And you can make failure into success.Believe yourself and believe your team.You are the best one.

9.一篇英语演讲幽默小短文（三到五分钟的）,急

A Boy and His Tree A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it every day. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow… He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by…The little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree. One day, the boy came back to the tree and looked sad. “Come and play with me,” the tree asked the boy. “I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore.” The boy replied, “I want toys. I need money to buy them.” “Sorry, but I don't have money…but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money.” The boy was so excited. He picked all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy didn't come back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad. One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited. “Come and play with me.” The tree said. “I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?” “Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can cut off my branches to build your house.” So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy didn't appear since then. The tree was again lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. “Come and play with me!” the tree said. “I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?” “Use my trunk to build the boat. You can sail and be happy.” So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and did not show up for a long time. Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. “Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you.” the tree said. “ I don't have teeth to bite.” The boy replied. “ No more trunk for you to climb on.” “I am too old for that now.” the boy said. “I really want to give you something…the only thing left is my dying roots.” The tree said with tears. “I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years.” The boy replied. “Good! Old tree roots are the best place to lean on and rest. Come here, please sit down with me and have a rest.” The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears… This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad… When we grow up, we leave them, and only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may think that the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parents. 很久以前有一棵苹果树。

一个小男孩每天都喜欢来到树旁玩耍。他爬到树顶，吃苹果，在树荫里打盹……他爱这棵树，树也爱和他一起玩。

随着时间的流逝，小男孩长大了。他不再到树旁玩耍了。

一天，男孩回到树旁，看起来很悲伤。“来和我玩吧！”树说。

“我不再是小孩了，我不会再到树下玩耍了。”男孩答到，“我想要玩具，我需要钱来买。”

“很遗憾，我没有钱……但是你可以采摘我的所有苹果拿去卖。这样你就有钱了。”

男孩很兴奋。他摘掉树上所有的苹果，然后高兴地离开了。

自从那以后男孩没有回来。树很伤心。

一天，男孩回来了，树非常兴奋。“来和我玩吧。”

树说。“我没有时间玩。

我得为我的家庭工作。我们需要一个房子来遮风挡雨，你能帮我吗？”很遗憾，我没有房子。

但是，你可以砍下我的树枝来建房。“因此，男孩砍下所有的树枝，高高兴兴地离开了。

看到他高兴，树也很高兴。但是，自从那时起男孩没再出现，树有孤独，伤心起来。

突然，在一个夏日，男孩回到树旁，树很高兴。“来和我玩吧！”树说。

“我很伤心，我开始老了。我想去航海放松自己。

你能不能给我一条船？” “用我的树干去造一条船，你就能航海了，你会高兴的。”于是，男孩砍倒树干去造船。

他航海去了，很长一段时间未露面。 许多年后男孩终于回来了。

“很遗憾，我的孩子，我再也没有任何东西可以给你了。没有苹果给你……”树说。

“我没有牙齿啃。” 男孩答到。

“没有树干供你爬。”“现在我老了，爬不上去了。”

男孩说。“我真的想把一切都给你……我唯一剩下的东西是快要死去的树墩。”

树含着眼泪说。“现在，我不需要什么东西，只需要一个地方来休息。

经过了这些年我太累了。”男孩答到。

“太好了！老树墩就是倚着休息的最好地方。过来，和我一起坐下休息吧。”

男孩坐下了，树很高兴，含泪而笑…… 这是一个发生在每一个人身上的故事。那棵树就像我们的父母。

我们小的时候，喜欢和爸爸妈妈玩……长大后，便离开他们，只有在我们需要父母亲，或是遇到了困难的时候，才会回去找他们。尽管如此，父母却。

10.急

Big Head

“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”

“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”

“Where's the shopping bag?”

“I haven't got one,use your hat.”

大脑袋

“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”

“别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说：“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”

“购物袋在哪？”

“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。”

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

父亲在哪儿？

兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”