1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

29、Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

62、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

64、When in doubt, mumble.

65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.

79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

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